On my way to work this morning I was confronted by a very disturbing sight. A couple were going to work together. ON A TANDEM BICYCLE.
Now they weren’t mods, nor were they trying to be ironic. They were a normal white-bread couple, she in a skirt and blouse, he in a dark navy suit. They looked like respectable everyday office workers – perhaps public servants or insurance salespeople. But their ambivalence to the ridiculousness of their mode of transport really disturbed me.
There are just some things that couples should not do. Here are five more:
1. Wear matching clothes
This seemed to be a late-80s/early-90s phenomenon that is thankfully uncommon in these more enlightened times. But we should never forget what a bad idea it was, lest the fashion returns. I actually knew a couple who regularly wore matching yellow satin shirts with black pants and yellow socks. He was about 7 feet tall and she had bigger hair than Bob Marley. So so wrong.
2. Share a toothbrush
Ask around and you’ll find this is more common than you think. A couple I know share a toothbrush when they go on holidays “just because it’s easier”. Now I don’t care whether you’re camping, in prison, or sheltering in your panic room. There is no excuse for sharing a toothbrush.
3. Feed each other
I’m not talking about cooking for each other. I’m talking about actually feeding each other. Putting your sloppy spag-bol fork into your partner’s mouth while they slurp it down. It’s a common sight at restaurants, particularly around Valentine’s Day, as well as in American teen movies. But it’s simply not acceptable.
4. Go to the gym together
The gym is a time to be alone. Sure, you may find it motivating to have your wife/husband/partner nagging you to do “one more set you fat bastard” but other gym-goers just find it embarrassing. The same goes for doing a yoga, pilates or aerobics class. And nothing kills the libido more than seeling your significant other sweaty and red-faced. So either go at separate times, or join different gyms. Your workout may not be as effective, but your self esteem and sex life will be unimaginably improved.
5. Visit a hardware store
I’m telling you from experience here. DON’T. DO. IT. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve lost my partner in Bunnings while he looks for a 6mm washer to screw into the roof/floor/fridge/computer/dog. Meanwhile I find myself in aisle 104 amongst the meat cleavers and start thinking evil thoughts.
So there you have it. For the sake of your reputation, your safety, your love life, do not do any of the above things. And if you already do these things, cease and desist, for your own sake, and that of others.